


sword fart online

by yourleftthigh69 (diosleftthigh69)



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Addiction, Blacksmithing, Chairs, Confessions, Crack, Death, Death Threats, Dildos, Discord - Freeform, Embarrassment, Epic, Gamer girl, Gaming, Gardens & Gardening, Harems, Kissing, Lolicon, Love Confessions, Making Out, NEET, Other, Parody, Plot Devices, Plot convenience, Potatoes, Pregnancy, Revenge, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sex, Simp, Sleeping Together, Speedrunning, Stupidity, Threats, Threats of Violence, coming, crackfic, dead memes, gamer - Freeform, gamer girl cum, gamestop, gfuel addiction, plot holes, reddit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:46:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29722287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diosleftthigh69/pseuds/yourleftthigh69
Summary: sword art online but making fun of the fact that kirito is a neet who knows everything in the world and is the strongest player in sword art online and has 800 girlfriends and the sex appeal of a macadamia nut
Relationships: Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Plot Convenience
Kudos: 1





	1. kirito’s worst purchase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kirito simps for akihiko kayaba and buys sword art online with his allowance money

one day kirito was existing in his epic $399.99 pewdiepie gaming chair, overdosing on g-fuel when all of a sudden he saw a news article about whatever the fuck a nerve gear is. “wow this looks interesting i wonder what nerve gear is???” he said out loud to himself. he snorted his lead filled beverage powder through a pool noodle and clicked on the article. 

the nerve gear was this weird helmet thing that you put on your head and game. “this is poggers!” he said enthusiastically as he scanned the article. ”wow this device is amazing! i could get permanent brain damage from the microwave radiation the device emits and potentially get a brain tumor and die?! i will purchase this almighty death trap of greatness! it is a revolution in the gaming world. i, kazuto kirigaya aka kirito, trust technology! what could possibly go wrong?” kirito said foreshadowing the inevitable. he purchased the medieval torture device and several microseconds later, it appeared in kirito’s hands. “thank you plot convenience!” he said, thanking the gods that give him his power.

kirito then went on the sword art online discord server. it was a new game being developed for the nerve gear that he has been beta testing for the past 84 years even though he just got the nerve gear a few seconds ago. “hello everyone i am the LORD of sword art online and i am here to tell you all that it is going on sale in stores in 0.07 seconds! buy now or i kill you in real life.” said the man himself, kayaba akihiko. “wow i love you kayaba akihiko, the posters i have of you in my room are soaked with my natural cream and i wish to shake your hand in the virtual world because my hands are sweaty and that would be embarrassing.” kirito said outloud to nobody. as he was simping, kirito’s mom came in and disrupted his self-loving session. “goddamn it not again kazuto i will disown you if i catch you yanking your noodle one more time!!” yelled his mom as she slammed the door behind her. 

“damn it kayaba, you’re just too sexy.” he nutted on his rgb razor keyboard and didn’t clean it up. “ok 0.07 seconds have passed NOW GO PURCHASE MY GAME!!!” yelled the god of the virtual world. “ok.” kirito said and speedrunned to his local gamestop to buy sword art online. <insert dream speedrunning music here> “i’m on world record pace if i can keep this up!” kirito breathed, but then he tripped on the sidewalk. “damn it that’s -1.7 seconds on my intersection split!” he cried. then as kirito was about to lose the world record, he teleported to gamestop and got the world record! “yay!! i got the world record!!” he said and kissed the sidewalk as his tears fell on the concrete.

kirito spent his and his sister’s allowance money on the game, something he would later regret. he quickly ran home and plugged his toaster into the nearest outlet and put the game in it. a few minutes later the toaster dinged. “thanks!” he said to the toaster. at this rate he would totally get disowned by his entire family. kirito ran upstairs, tripping on his toes at least six times before finally reaching his bedroom. he plugged his nerve gear into his computer and booted up the game. “time to put on this brain scrambler.” he said as he put the nerve gear on his head and laid down on his concrete slab he calls his epic gamer bed which is really just a lightning mcqueen racecar bed he’s had since the 2nd grade. “link start!” he said as he began his journey to hell. 


	2. kirito exists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he joins the game and he gets stuck in the game he can’t log out and then gets a girl

upon entering the game, kirito spawned at the town of beginnings where there was a shit ton of people. “eerrrm... i hate people grrrr...” kirito growled and went to the first field where he met a guy. “hi im klein and i have 2 brain cells.” said he. “hi im kirito and i can control plot convenience.” he said. then he and klein had hardcore anal sex- i mean, they trained in the field while kirito showed him the basics of using a sword skill. “ok im gonna go log out i need to eat an entire pizza by myself tonight.” klein said and tried to log out but there was no log out button. “nani?!?! why isn’t there a log out button?!?!” klein panicked. “what? that’s strange. i was able to log out in the beta test...” kirito said and tried to log out, but then he and klein got a message from the GOD of sword art online.

”hello player if you don’t come to the town of beginnings i will shank you so hard you’ll cum instead of bleed. - love kayaba <3” 

“i hate this man.” klein said. “i love him.” kirito said creepily and they both went to the town to be greeted with a shit ton of people and a big floating ghost dude. “hello fellow gamers, ‘tis i, akihiko kayaba. by now you should have discovered that there is no log out button! that is true! there is no log out button! the only way to log out is to die, but here’s the twist. if you die in the game you die in real life. the nerve gear will fry your brain like leftovers in a microwave with NO MERCY. however, y’all can beat the game and then log out. to beat the game, you have to reach floor 100 and face the final boss. that is when you can leave without getting permanent brain damage! anyways, i hope y’all have fun. see you later!!” he said and vanished into thin air.

”ah shit looks like i won’t be able to bust a nut to kayaba akihiko now.” kirito sighed. “damn it now i can’t eat pizza!” klein said hangrily as he and kirito walked to a dark alley way between two buildings. “klein i’m gonna leave you here with your friends. i’m goin’ solo.” kirito said like an emo kid and snorted a line of crack from a brick in the wall. “ok. bye kirito.” klein said and went to see his friends. kirito ventured to the first field, killing everything in sight, basically speedrunning his way through the first floor of aincrad.

”i walk a lonely road, the only road that i have ever known.” he started but then someone threw a rock at him and kirito lost some HP. “grrrrr.” kirito growled at the guy who threw the rock and ran away crying. “damn it. i can’t afford to be emo here. i need to be cool and a chick magnet.” he said stating the obvious. 

eventually, it became time for the first boss of the first floor. some guy held a big ass meeting to devise a plan to defeat the boss. “hello i am fortnite tyler ninja blevins because i have blue hair and i forgot my real name. i bring you all here today to discuss the boss and strategies to defeat it. together, we will all work to defeat that fucker and beat the game once and for all!” said the fortnite ninja man. his crowd cheered him on until some short gremlin jumped out of nowhere and started yelling. “I HATE THOSE STUPID FUCKING BETA TESTERS THEY ALL DESERVE TO DIE AND GIVE US THEIR ITEMS BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!” said the small angry man. “shut up idiot. beta testers are poggers.” the ninja dude said because he was a beta tester and the short man shat up. “ok everyone. get into parties and we’ll kick ass, yeah?” everyone soon began to get into groups except the emo, anti-social kirito.

“damn it i hate teamwork. i’m a solo player. why must i do this?” kirito mourned, but then he saw a lonely girl. “now’s my chance! i’m gonna marry her!” he said and approached the woman. “it’s wednesday my dudes hahaha! how are you m’lady.” he tipped his imaginary fedora. “i am kirito, god of big chungus and ugandan knuckles. i am here to take your hand in holy matrimony.” kirito said as he got down on one knee. “weirdChamp.” said the girl. “big oof. i’m not weirdChamp!!! i’m kirito!!! do you wanna form a party?!” kirito asked frustratedly. “yeah sure whatever.” the girl said normally and they formed a party. kirito saw her name in the party icon thing. “asuna...” he thought. “fitting for a girl with a nice ass. assuna. hahaha.” kirito thought and smiled. “we meet at the boss room in the dungeon tomorrow at noon! this meeting is now dismissed!” the ninja man said and everyone left. 

night began to fall and kirito saw asuna sitting alone eating bread. “hello queen,” kirito bowed to her, “did you know that putting butter on bread makes it taste better?” kirito said holding out a jar of butter. “no way...” asuna said and buttered her bread and ate it. “wow this tastes so much better! thank you!” she said and touched shoulders with kirito for 0.2 seconds. that was enough to get kirito’s sword excited for battle. hours of sleeping passed before it was finally time to challenge the boss on the first floor.


	3. kirito hogs the boss kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the other players kill the boss but kirito steals the final kill boss bonus drop because he’s a gamer

“greetings everybody! ‘tis i, tyler fortnite ninja blevins (i forgot my real name)!! today we join here to defeat the first floor boss of aincrad! no deaths allowed except the boss’s and his minions if he has any. let’s go champ!!” he yelled as he threw a tin can at one of his slaves i mean soldiers and proudly opened the doors. “hi asuna hehehe.” kirito breathed creepily as he tipped his imaginary fedora. asuna was uncomfortable with his existence. everyone charged into the boss room and started slapping things with their long metal sticks. but then all of a sudden tyler fortnite ninja blevins got slashed with a long metal stick. kirito rushed over, ignoring asuna who was miraculously 9 months pregnant apparently. “tyler fortnite ninja blevins!!” kirito yelled as he took out a healing potion, but tyler fortnite ninja blevins stopped him. “kirito... i am a fellow beta tester. cough cough coronavirus cough wheeze. kirito don’t heal me i want to perish in this boss room as my final wish, please tell my wife i love money more than her and tell my son to hide my secret loli porn stash in the toilet tank in the downstairs bathroom.” he said and died of bleed. kirito cried and then defeated the boss with his angsty emo plot powers and his sword.

“yay we defeated the boss!” everyone yelled in unison. kirito got a special bonus for landing the killing blow. it was an emo coat that he wore with pride and dignity because it made him look more edgy. kirito looked at the crowd as he donned his boss bonus emo coat. everyone looked at him in confusion and something else. “HEY U BASTARD WHY DID U LET TYLER FORTNITE NINJA BLEVINS DIE?!?! HE WAS MY ILLEGALLY WEDDED WIFE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO SUCK MY TOES AfteR THE BATTLE!!!???” the midget from the last chapter said. “he wanted to die lmao.” kirito replied and started walking towards the door to the next floor of aincrad. “NOW YOU HAVE TO SUCK MY TOES INSTEAD!!!” the midget yelled angrily. 

kirito stood menacingly on top of the stairs where the door to the next floor was. asuna followed him up the stairs as he walked up them edgily. he glanced down at his inferiors and with the strict and serious tone of giving a speech he said, “ooh ooh aah aah oo o oo o o oooo o o oo eee ee eee ee eee ÆEEAAAEAAA o o ooo oo oho hooh ohh oooh.” he started, imitating a monke. everyone looked at him weirdly and started to get secondhand embarrassment from just being in the same video game as him. “also i just farted and i’m a beta tester cheater bye sisters sksksksks.” kirito sister snapped and left the first floor. “wait kirito!!” asuna said. “WAT.” he yelled aggressively. “i’m pregnant.” she looked at kirito with puppy dog eyes. “big oof.” kirito said and left his wife asuna yuuki. she stared at him in disbelief with immense rage and anger. “GRRRRRRR.” she growled aggressively and slapped kirito in the nuts and he ran away crying.


	4. kirito’s third girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kirito magically teleports to a location where a girl is being attack and she confesses her love for him even though she just met him

one day kirito was walking down the gamer street when all of a sudden he was teleported to a dark forest with a bunch of big scary monsters. “AAAAAA gamer girl scream!” a girl gamer yelled. kirito saw a young girl (presumably a loli) who was being attacked by monsters and would die! kirito acted with his other head and slayer the monster with his passion of lolicon hentai. “hi im kirito i am your lord and savior hyuk hyuk spits on the ground epically to assert dominance.” he said. “omg hi im silica and i used to have a pet dragon named pina but she died trying to protect me because your fat ass was too slow to help me!!” she yelled angrily. “i’m sorry, silicon. i know how to revive penis.” kirito said happily. “you do?!” silica was super excited now. “there’s this magical garden on floor 47 and if we can get there in 3 days then we can revive penis with a flower!” kirito said and silica smiled really big. “how did we get to floor 47 already?!” she asked. kirito smiled and tipped his imaginary fedora while looking away from silica. “my first girlfriend, plot convenience, guides me through the game with no danger whatsoever. i am invincible. my health bar is bigger than my ego and my penis.” kirito stated epically. silica looked at him weird and then they walked to the town on floor 47.

“hey it’s pretty late wanna chill at this inn, silicon??? (lenny face) huehuehuehue.” he said outloud. “yea sure.” silica said uncomfortably and walked into the inn. kirito and silica got rooms that were right next to each other. kirito was chillin’ out, busting a nut and all, when he heard footsteps down the hallway. he shrugged it off and released his sour cream on his baked potato that was left over from god knows when. “mmm gamer boy cum. i wonder what gamer girl cum tastes like?” he did the thinking face emoji outloud. then he walked to silica’s room to ask her that very question. silica was hangin’ out in her room in her bra and panties when all of a sudden kirito knocked on the door. she opened it, completely forgetting that she was half naked. “hi kirito.” she said. “hi siliCAAAAA.” he yelled as he saw her flat chest. silica screeched and slammed the door on him, pulverizing his anime boy nose and his lolicon hentai fantasies. she then got dressed and reopened the door. “i’m sowwy kiwito... pwease fowgib mew umu.” she said outloud doing the catgirl nyah thing. “yeah it’s no problem m’lady.” he said gushing blood and in immense pain.

they discussed their plan to get to the garden but then kirito remembered something really important. ”silicon, may i ask you a question?” kirito inquired. “what is it kiritoe?” she replied. kirito blushed, this was a really terrible time to ask this question, especially since he just saw her half naked. “s-silicon... what does gamer girl cum taste like?” he blushed deeply. silica kicked him and kirito left the room. “BAKA!!” she yelled and cried about her lost dragon pina. 

the next day kirito woke up looking like a deformed washing machine on his knees to silica’s mercy. “i shall take you to the floor 47 garden, my queen. i shall show you da wae.” kirito replied and she grabbed his ear and dragged him there as a punishment for immigating ugandan knuckles. kirito gave her directions and they eventually reached the garden 648495 hours later. the garden was full of flowers and it was really beautiful. in the middle of the garden there was this weird altar thing with a pretty flower in the center of it. “that flower will revive penis.” kirito said. “KIRITO, IT’S PINA NOT PENIS YOU HORNY BEAN!!” she yelled as kirito became more emo and edgy. she took the flower and then they left.

BUT THEN, “hey silica you short midget furry bitch.” a tall girl with big boobs and red hair said. “fuck off you normie i’m with kirito now.” she said hugging kirito’s arm. kirito was more than hard at this point. “oh yeah??? i’ll kill you both right here, right now. because i am a villain and i love committing mass genocide and war crimes!” she said PASSIONATELY. kirito was hangry- not hungry and angry, but horny and angry. “LEAVE SILICON ALONE YOU SLUT!!” kirito yelled. he’d always dreamed of encountering such an entitled woman that he’s heard of in those made up nice guy reddit stories.

kirito breathed in heavily as if he was about to say _yare yare daze_ and donned his imaginary fedora and started talking. “you, big breasted, blood stained hair having fiend, are a beast from the deepest crevices of hell. i am a redditor white knight and i respect all women, however, you are just a demon in disguise. i, kirito, the black swordsman, am a nice guy and i will treat you how you deserve to be treated.” kirito said epically and scared her with his big, meaty, juicy, veiny, stinky, hot, steamy, SWORD. she was terrified and ran away with her goons. “she must’ve been the footsteps i heard in the inn last night! she’s one of those filthy PKers who was trying to sneak up on us and kill us just for fun!” kirito exclaimed. “omg kirito you saved my life again! please marry me kirito! i’ll give you all the live action loli hentai you want, courtesy of me and my body.” silica exclaimed. kirito smirked and looked down at her because she was shorter than him. “that doesn’t sound so bad...” kirito admitted and they spend the rest of the day together.


	5. kirito solves a mystery with his plot powers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kirito and asuna meet again and investigate player killings in save zones who the fuck cares

one day kirito was napping on the job on god knows what floor of aincrap when his second girlfriend asuna approached him. “WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY.” she yelled as she slammed pots and pans together. kirito was awake now. “shut the fuck up bit- OHH HELLO YOUR HIGHNESS!” kirito bowed as he realized it was asuna who was talking to him. “wanna sleep together?” he asked. asuna slapped him on the tooth and took a nap on the grass. “aww she sleeps like a kitten.” kirito blushed as he busted a nut on her sleeping body. then she woke up as the sun was setting. kirito stared into the setting sun, eye liquid dripping down his face. he turned around to greet asuna. “hello darling. i stared at the sun so you didn’t have to.” kirito said romantically as he tipped his imaginary fedora. “oh how romantic!” asuna swooned and snapped out of it.

”oh yeah by the way we have a mission to do. there have been a shit load of PKs in safe zones and we need to investigate them.” asuna said seriously. “uggghh fine my lady.” kirito groaned lazily and his eyes regrew because he is in an affair with plot convenience. asuna escorted him to the town where the PKs have been happening. “wanna get some micky d’s?” kirito asked. “oh my GAWD kirito you give me SO MUCH secondhand embarrassment!!” asuna slapped him with her shoe and they went to a restaurant to eat. they ordered their food and it became super weird and kirito failed to try to break the awkward silence. “so... ya like jazz?”

BUT THEN a loud noise and screaming happened outside. “nani?!” kirito and asuna said in unison like conjoined twins. they ran out of the restaurant and saw a guy with a sword in him. “excuse me, sir? i don’t think that’s where your sword is supposed to go.” kirito said as the sword guy died. “wow he died.” asuna said, completely unmoved by someone dying in front of her. then some girl approached them. “hi im a gamer girl and im sad that my friends keep getting PK’d by assholes!!” she said. “ok.” kirito said and asuna elbowed him in the gut. “owie!! ómò.” he owo’d as asuna listened to the girl’s story. then they went back to that restaurant and ate food and then slept at an inn.

”hey asuna laughing coffin is behind the PK’s.” kirito said. “laughing coffin? what is that? how do you know, kirito-kun?” she asked. kirito sat down on the bed and licked his foot. “laughing coffin is a group of players who kill people. they’re involved with all of the PK’s. as for how i know, i just do. it just came to me. i’ve never even heard of laughing coffin until now.” kirito explained. asuna looked out the window for no reason. “you’re no fun kirito.” she said and went to sleep on a table.

the next morning they woke up and interrogated that girl again. “who is your guild leader?” kirito asked aggressively. “some girl with a shitty husband.” she said and jumped out a window and died. “interesting.” kirito said not acknowledging that she just fucking died. “hey wanna go to a graveyard?” kirito asked asuna. “why?” she replied. “my plot convenience senses are tingling, tickling my cock.” kirito said seriously. asuna gave him a look of disgust and they walked to a graveyard where they saw some people and some other people. “omg it’s laughing coffin!” kirito said and kicked them all in the nuts and saved the other people. “wait aren’t you both dead?” kirito said as he realized who he was talking to. “nah that was just acting.” the guy who had the sword in him said. “oh okay.” kirito said and stubbed his toe on a rock. the end


	6. kirito picks up another girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he gets another fucking girlfriend

one day kirito and asuna were hanging out in bed together when they both decided to take a walk in town. “wonderful weather we are having, right m’lady?” kirito smirked. “oh hey there’s lisbeth’s blacksmith shop!” asuna exclaimed, ignoring kirito’s awkward question and entering her store. “hi asuna uwu owo.” liz nyah’d. “hi liz!” asuna hugged her. “gay.” kirito muttered under his breath. “hi liz pls fix my rapier uwu!!” asuna uwu’d and handed over her rapier. “okay gf uwu!!” liz uwu’d back and took the rapier and repaired it. kirito was appalled by their uwuing and owoing tendencies. he stood there in the corner smoking a cherry flavored twizzler. he tipped his imaginary nice guy fedora with his eyes closed and with a deep and manly voice, said, “yare yare daze.”

then asuna left kirito and liz together while she went to shop for god knows what and kirito started looking around the shop. “hey can you make me a super strong sword? one that is even stronger than my current one? auhuehuehuehehe.” kirito asked liz as he made weird sounds. “yeah but you need to come with me to get the material for it.” liz flirted. “sure thing m’lady.” kirito said romantically and liz brought kirito to a frozen wasteland with a big hole in the middle.

”so we slay this dragon and then get the metal from it’s nest.” liz explained. kirito nodded both of his epic gamer heads and went along with liz’s plan. “lets get this bread gamers!!!” kirito yelled as he was yeeted into the fucking hole by the big dragon. “awoooo roar dragon noises.” the low budget dragon roared and slapped liz in the hole as well. kirito left a deep ass kirito shaped indent in the snow at the bottom of the hole. liz fell directly on top of him. “your fat ass made my HP drop to 69 hehehehehhehe.” kirito chuckled. liz slapped him with her 18 inch pink sparkling dildo. kirito was in shock and agony.

”oh hey here’s that shit we need.” she said picking up some blue rock. “oh poggers.” kirito pogged as he ate a single piece of shredded cheddar cheese for no reason. “this must be the dragon’s nest then.” she added and then they went to sleep on the snowy ground. “hey kirito hold my hand.” liz said. “ok.” she held out her hand and kirito held it. “wowie i’m touching a woman!” kirito thought as he happily drifted off to sleep. 

the next morning the dragon returned to his lair and flung the shit out of kirito and liz 400 million feet into the air. “it seems we are falling.” kirito said analyzing his surroundings for no fucking reason. “kirito i have something to tell you.” liz said. “WHAT IS IT?” kirito yelled back, there was too much wind noise to hear anything up there. “I LOVE YOU KIRITO AND I WANT TO HAVE 87 CHILDREN WITH YOU!” she yelled happily. “WHAT?” kirito replied. liz wanted to shoot kirito and then herself. after that meaningful love confession he just replies with _what_? that bastard.

the two stopped falling all of a sudden. it’s not like they reached the ground. they’re just suspended in mid air. “lag.” kirito makes as his excuse to his convenient plot powers stopping them from falling to their deaths. the two went back to liz’s blacksmith shop where she made kirito a new sword. “here, it’s blue and epic. just like your dick when i cut it off.” liz said unenthusiastically. “thanks.” kirito said and slapped it against another sword and the other sword snapped in fucking half. “OI KIRITOENAIL YOU BETTER FUCKING PAY FOR THAT!!” she yelled angrily and slapped his ass with her dildo again. “i’m not gay!!!” kirito moaned gaily with a plastic dick up his ass. then asuna walked in on the crime scene.

“hi kirito my boyfriend i love you.” she kissed him on the lips and started making out with him in front of liz. “are you serious? are you absolutely kidding me? the love of my life kirito already has a girlfriend? AND THEY ARE FUCKING? IN MY SHOP!!!” liz thought FURIOUSLY and then sliced off kirito’s dick with the sword she just made him. kirito cried like a newborn child but his dick regrew because he used a healing potion. the end


End file.
